a treatise on being young and feeling old

and the question is: was i more alive then than i am now?
i happily have to disagree.
i laugh more often now, i cry more often now, i am more me.

Being home from college and spending so much time working, reading, and with friends makes me feel very distinctly old. I'm not sure what exactly it is--seeing how I've done all these things before--but everything just feels different.

For one thing, I've spent a very pensive year away from all of this. All of that time alone with my thoughts has renewed my perspective (perhaps "renew" is the incorrect word, as it is a new perspective, independent of all other prior perspectives [perhaps I mean "refresh"]) on all of the elements that make up this life. I find myself more conscious, more reserved, more green, more emotional, and just more.

Another thing is, I think now, more than at any other time, I find myself more prepared to express myself. When sitting and talking with friends (which I stop to do more often now), I find myself able to say what I mean exactly, without any hesitations or aberrations. It's a beautiful thing to sit around and hear (and say) so many meaningful statements that you wonder if you even can take it all. Now that I'm here, let me digress for a moment. Recently I have been thinking about how lucky people are to be able to interact with one another. In education for example, our professors spend years and years studying histories and art pieces and theorems, all so they can sum it up for us in one lecture. Aren't we so lucky to be able to have all of their experience and expertise abridged for us? It's the same with friends and life lessons. Often times, we don't completely comprehend the magnitude and relevance of our friend's discoveries (like for example: "you shouldn't judge someone for something because you may find yourself in their shoes one day"), but in reality we should relish these wisdoms that are so often the product of some tumultuous and emotional experience that we didn't have. I have become so grateful to have people in my life--educators or friends--to share with me (and abridge) all of their emotions and thoughts and experiences into these phrases that I probably don't even completely understand. A digression on my digression: Is my appreciation of abridged versions uniquely lazy (and dare I say American) or is it just reasonable to appreciate that which takes the least amount of time?

Back to my discussion on the changes in my life...in reading more, I have had a renewed sense of appreciation for language. The experiences, thoughts, emotions, and ideas we can convey and share with one another through a series of arbitrary characters is really astounding. Literature is an incredible way to share all of the above with one another. Reading is phenomenal.

Also, I have begun to feel a sense of urgency in defining the person I want to be and doing more to get there. This has included utilizing public transportation more consistently (something I have realized I feel very strongly about...the environment that is), reading more often, and spending less time talking and more time listening (I have always hoped to be someone who is not a mess of thousands of words but rather a series of precisely considered thoughts). It's not that I feel too old to change, but rather that I feel that I am getting too old to stay stagnant and still be the undeveloped, careless person I was. I want to be someone intense because I have decided that life is intense and magnificent and profound and we should approach it with a deep sense of appreciation.